When life gives u lemons, Make babeez!
by AlbinoF0x
Summary: this is an excerpt from a fanfic i quit a while ago. kakashi, orochimaru, and itachi r all married to one woman. but who said they cant have some yaoi action at her baby shower? sasu/naru kaka/ita OOC CRACKFIC! extra story at end "Naruto's Preggy Problem"


Kk this is a short, I did as a filler in a story I will not be posting.

Two characters are not a part of naruto. Brin, who is part demon and dating kisame, and Kari,…shes complicated. Imagine a tiger jinchuuriki, with a curse seal and was given snake DNA in and experiment. That's her. And she has three personalities. One is in love with Itachi. One with Kakashi, and then those two personalities combined is in love with orochimaru (whom she actually married and had a child with). This is a dream she has when she is healing from orochimaru stabbing her on accident, after catching one of her personalities with Kakashi and attacking him.

Have fun^^.

* * *

Bzzzzzzzzzz!

"Kashi honey will you get that?" Kari sat on a couch in the living room, gazing at the lavish décor of the place; pink and blue ribbons, baby related party favors and snacks were set out on a table. A large banner hung above the hallway entrance bearing

_Welcome to the world, twins_! with a cloud like flourish.

Itachi and Orochimaru came running out under it, from the kitchen, rushing to the door to answer what they were sure to be the first guest.

"I'll get it!"

"No!" insisted the raven as I shoved the elder out of the way. "I got it, Oro! Go finish frosting the cake!" Itachi opened the door, only to see Kakashi grinning like an idiot as he nearly wet his pants with laugher.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Got you again 'tachi!" Itachi growled irritatedly and grabbed the baka's ear.

"Will you stop playing fucking ding-dong-ditch and finish the god damn Baklava!" Kashi gasped, horrified at himself and his negligence to the refined pastry creation he had been working on.

"Cripes! They're gonna burn!" and he sprinted into the kitchen to save his precious deserts. Orochimaru could be heard laughing hystarically in the background. No doubt his yellow eyes were alight with merriment you just never got to see.

"Leave it to Kashi _Chan_ to fuck up on Kari's special day."

"Awww; he doesn't mean anything by it." cooed kari. She placed a not so delicate hand to her belly, feeling a kick from one of her twins, three rings glistening in the sunlight on her wedding finger.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Itachi growled, ready to cut off some Hatake balls, and opened the door again.

"Hey, are we on time?" asked Sasuke, in his normal monotone voice. "Ouch!" he exclaimed as a foxy head popped up over his shoulder.

"Arashi! Stop clawing Mommy's back!" scolded Naruto. The yellow fox's ears flopped as he crawled over Sasuke's shoulder, locking his claws into the black shirt.

"Sorry dad…" he pouted, guiltily as they walked in, earning a chuckle from Itachi, who scratched Arashi behind the ears.

"How's the academy kit?" the fox smirked in a frighteningly Sasuke-ish way.

"I've got my eye on this one Pinkett. But Baa Chan says I'm too young by a Melina to date her." Kari piped in.  
"She's right, you know!" she assured. "You're only eight months old! And shouldn't you stick to felines young man?"  
"But the other animals at The Academy are really bad at any human languages and all they care about is that stupid Aku teme!" He protested. "Besides, I can be a human if I want too!" Kari noticed Sasuke and Naruto exchange worried looks.

"Honey." She said. "A simple henge of a human isn't going to…" she fell silent as Arashi morphed. His tail shrunk into his spine, he grew several feet taller, and his ears shrank and repositioned as his fur retreated into his skin. Words couldn't describe the shock that filled the room when instead of a fox, stood a visibly twelve year old Naruto clone with a phase one Sharingan and chicken butt hair. Kakashi looked in around the corner and smiled.

"I taught him that." Sasuke and Naruto rolled their eyes at their sensei. Some things never changed.

"You did _not_." said Sasuke stated. "He could already do that, its in his blood."

"_You_ just taught him a jutsu that clothed him as he shifts." Kari was still rendered speech-less as the boy turned back to his fox cub form.

Bzzzzzzzz!

Itachi grumbled and opened the door _yet again_. Thanking kami sama that everyone seemed to have arrived at the same; everyone including, Brin, Iruka, Ino, Kiba, Sakura, Sai, Shino, Shikamaru, Hinata, Negi, Chougi, Tsunade, Deidara, Kisame, and…

"Who the FUCK are YOU?!" inquired Itachi rather rudely to a man in brunette dreads.

"Captain Jack Sparrow! Yar!" the pirate grinned like a lunatic.  
*******

"Hmmmm…." Johnny Depp frowned to himself as he flipped through the script for 'Pirates 4'. "Why do I suddenly wanna' punch some random blond guy?"

Itachi stood there staring at the pirate.  
"….Whatever. Come on in." and everyone entered the house. Presents began piling up on the side table as the room filled with chattering Shinobi.

"Hinata!" Kari exclaimed as the brunette came over for a hug noticing a small bump to her stomach against her own. "Are you…?"

"Yes, she is!" answered Ino as she placed a kiss on her Fiancé's cheek.

"Shikamaru did the honors." She mused, sitting down next to Brin on the couch, avoiding her bushy tail.

"So." asked the half wolf. "Do you know what to call them yet Kari?"

"You know the guys." she giggled. "They all want the boy named after them. But I think I may call him Koryu, after my brother." Her face took on a far away look. "As for the girl, we haven't decided yet."

Suddenly, her attention averted to the present table; her eyes glowing with anticipation.

"KOI! I want to open my presents!" All three of her husbands walked in.

"Koi?" asked Kisame who'd just joined them. "You just call them all 'love' and they come running?

"Well yes." She beamed. "But there's also the whole, first initial thing; Kakashi, Oro, Itachi.

"Kari the guests just got here!" the silver haired ANBU protested. "Let them ming-" Kakashi stopped at her glare and sighed. 'Never ague with a pregnant woman.'

"Alright. Tachi can you get everyone in here an- Tsunade!" kashi exclaimed. "What are you _doing_!?"

Tsunade stood in a corner as Jack felt her up, kissing sloppily, and moaning like sex deprived teenagers. She giggled and pushed him off gently.

"But he's so _CUTE_, Itachi! Look! He even gave me rum!" she lifted a slightly, sandy bottle to her lips and drank greedily. Itachi's lip curled with distaste.

'Great. Now we have two drunks to deal wi-'

"Hey brat! Whats up!" Itachi groaned.

'Make that three…'

"Jiriya!" Squealed Kari excitedly. "I thought you had left for Sunagakure to 'study'." she winked. Jiraya laughed heartily.

"Haahahah! I was chased out by the entire Gakure harem! It was amazing!" just when the trio of married men thought they'd be able to avoid opening the gifts too early, Kari's expression changed to one of impatience.

"Can a pregnant woman get a present over here!?" Oro sighed with a small smile.

"You have to open mine first, then." he came running in with a huge parcel, he could barely lift. Itachi and Kakashi looked a bit disappointed. Both had wanted theirs to be opened first.

"Oh! Oro! It's huge! What's in it?"

"It's a-" sasuke clamped his hand over Arashi's mouth.

"That was a rhetorical question son." he said with an eye-roll. "Just like your father."

"Sorry mom." The fox apologized as Kari tore the wrapping off the large present. She squealed in delight. Before Kari was a child sized rocking…snake?

"Oro! It's so cute! How clever! Instead of a horse?" Orochimaru nodded and blushed softly at the kiss pressed to his lips. "T-thought it would be fun for the kids. I made it from scratch."

"Ahem!"

"Ar…" Oro grimaced foolishly. "With Sakura's help, but it was actually Arashi's idea."

"ME PRESENTS _NEXT_!" Jack all but screamed. Everyone stared as he set a rectangular present on her lap. Shikamaru whispered tentatively into Kiba's ear.

"Who the _hell _invited _that_ guy?"

"Oh!" said Kari in contained laugher. "An empty bottle of rum, how sweet!"

"Drank it meself! Hope you like it! Yaar!" and he raised his own empty bottle to his lips, not noticing the absence of liquid in his mouth. Brin rolled her eyes and pointed to her own present.

"Kari this ones mine!" said Woman picked it up and opened this one with care, sensing something delicate. The ribbons fell and her eyes went misty.

"Brin…" it was a crystal framed photo of them at their first girls night out. They both were leaning over the sake bar, drunk as hell, grinning at the camera as they hugged tightly. Kari had put bunny ears behind Brins head. "Thank you!"she whispered through misty eyes. "I love it!" they hugged tightly and a soft "awww" spread throughout the room. Letting go reluctantly, Kari continued to open presents until the room was filled with cradles and toys and baby cloths. Kakashi and Itachi were the only ones still waiting.

"_Finally_!" cried out Kakashi in relief, "Here's mine, Kari. He handed her a very small box wrapped in flowery tissue paper.

"Wow! I like the wrapping, Kashi." she un-wrapped the tiny parcel carefully and set aside the un-torn paper. "I think ill save it for the scrapbook Hinata and Ino gave me, huh?" She now held a small, velvet jewelry box. Opening it, her eyes sparkled. Inside was a golden heart shaped locket. In the center was a large emerald centered in a triangle of three other stones, a ruby, a sapphire and an yellow topaz. She looked up at him, smiling sweetly.

"Kashi, it's so pretty!" Kakashi beamed and kissed her cheek, sitting down next to her.

"Open it." he said gently. Kari obliged, opening the locket. Inside was a group picture of Kakashi, Itachi and Orochimaru all smiling up at her. She giggled when she saw how strained Itachi's smile was and noticed a glimmer by his neck. She raised an eyebrow at Kakashi.

"Did you _force_ Tachi to smile in this?" Oro burst out laughing.

"He had a kunai to his neck!" Itachi grimaced.

"So, I don't like the way my teeth look! Why is that so ba-"

"It's fine Itachi, love." giggled Kari. "And your' teeth are perfe-"

"ME PRESENTS NEXT!" Jack leaped next to Kari and pushed the others out of the way.

"_Another_ empty rum bottle!" blushed Kari, looking painfully embarrassed. "How…thoughtful..." Jack grinned drunkenly, and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"Drank that one too, love!" and he scampered into the hallway giggling like an idiot.

"Nnnnmmmh…Jack! What if they see?" came Tsunade's slurred voice from the hall. Everyone looked sick for a brief moment.

"Kari?" kari turned to see Itachi sitting next to her, looking uncharacteristically bashful. "This is for you…" he handed her a short, thick, newspaper wrapped box which she took in hand and began to unwrap.  
"I wasn't sure…but…" he couldn't say anymore, he was too nervous. The box was made of Alabaster, and quite heavy for something its size. She lifted the lid and was silent.  
Everyone watched as tears started floating down her cheeks.

"Tachi…" she looked up at him smiling weakly. in the box were two shiny, silver balls sitting soundly in a silk cushion. Notmally it would have been somewhat of a joke, considering what they represented…but she knew the sentiment behind them.

"Unity bells…" he said stiffly." They were my mothers…" she shook the box and they chimed delicately.

"Itachi…" Kari gasped and kissed him full on the lips, moaning unashamedly whilst a pale hand rose to caress her violet tresses. Oro and Kakashi radiated a small aura of envy. Kari let him go and smiled.

"Itachi?" she asked wiping her tears away. Itachi smiled.

"what?

"Can we…"

"Can we, what?" kari blushed and smiled at him.

"……can we play spin the bottle later?" she grinned. Everyone did an anti climactic drop, all except Arashi.

"What's spin the bottle?" he asked, jumping up cutely and curling into a ball on Kari's baby bump. The woman stroked his tail fondly.

"It's where you spin-"

"A bottle of rum!" interrupted Jack and flopped down onto the couch. "Then whoever it points to has to go off into a room with the person who spun the rum and get drunk and have se-" Naruto punched jack in the face.

"He's eight months old, Ero pirate! And that's NOT how you play!"

"How do I play, dad?" Sasuke cut in.

"You don't." he insisted sternly. "You're too young." Naruto looked at him in disbelief.

"Sasukeeee! He's old enough! By fox standards he's a tween! Let the boy have fun!" Naruto gave him his best puppy face.

Sasuke glared at his husband and was about to object when Kari spoke up.

"I'm sure that if he gets picked or when he spins the kiss will be on the cheek."

"….okay." conceded Sasuke after a contemplating moment. Kari smiled.

"So who wants lunch?"

And so the party proceeded with lunch and the married…quad, for lack of a better word, was separated among the guests. Tsunade was passed out drunk on the recliner and Jack sat on the armrest tears streaming down his face as he whimpered, clutching an empty bottle to his chest.

"Why is the rum…always gone?" Kari had just finished her tenth baklava when she noticed that several hours had gone by. Placing her hands in a jutsu, Jacks bottle appeared in her hand. Said pirate cried out in lament.

"Alright people! Time for spin the bottle!" cheers rang through the house as everyone sat in a circle around the empty table. Kari was sandwiched between her husbands who all looked very eager. This had been a favorite of the small family for a while now.

"Alright! Since I wanna' see some snuggling," Kari giggled, "Arashi gets to go first!" the tiny fox yoshed with a stubby paw and hopped on top of the bottle, causing it to spin, along with himself. Everyone laughed fondly, as it stopped on kisame. The guests immediately looked surprised.

"Yays!" he hopped up onto kismet's shoulder and licked him a few times on the cheek, sending Kisame into fits of hystarical laughter, frightening everyone.

"Not the gills! NOT the _GILLS_!" he fell to the floor in mock surrender and Arashi stood proudly on his back.

"Muahaha! The fox triumphs against the shark! Uzumaki yosh!" Sasuke slapped his forehead in exasperation. Kari laughed.

"Nice catch phrase Arashi! It's a _keeper_." she gave Sasuke an evil smirk. "Kay Kisame your turn!" Kisame got up enthusiastically and spun the bottle.

"You're great with kids by the way." The pregnant woman commented as it was still spinning.

"Love 'em to death." He replied as the bottle stopped on…

"Oh please god _NO!_" Sasuke cried out standing up. Kisame looked very…scared?

"Sasuke." warned Kari menacingly. Sasuke pouted angrily and sat down in a huff.

"Fine! Get it over with…" he winced and waited, expecting his lips to be shredded…nothing happened. Opening an eye he looked at kisame who hadn't moved.

"What's wrong Kisame?" asked Kari. Kisame blushed.

"I-I've never kissed…"everyone turned to the shark man. He looked as if he was straining to keep from shaking.

"I-I was hoping it would be a girl…I don't…like…men…"

"He was molested by a guy when he was little." whispered brin uncomfortably to her friend. Kari felt a heart string snap.

"Awww. Kisame…tell you what. You can spin again until it lands on a girl." Kisame sighed with relief and spun again. Neji. He spun again. Shikamaru. He spun again.

"Oh, _God_ no! I would _leave_!"

"That _hurts_ Kisame." sniffed Jiriya. Kisame spun one more time.

"You lucky sonofabitch!" exclaimed Kiba. "You get to kiss your own _girlfriend_!" Brin smiled and leaned over to her shark boy's lap, who smirked, hiding a mental thanks to Kami sama. He cupped Brin's cheek in his hand and their lips connected, tongue and all. Cat calls and hoots erupted through the room until they let go.

"Catch you after the party?" winked Brin. Kisame nodded grinning.

The game continued with much less drama not many interesting pairs were made. Brin kissed Ino, Ino kissed Shikamaru (who passed out asleep in the middle of it), so the game started over with Orochimaru and Sai ( "your tongue is waaaaay bigger than Naruto's penis!") Sai kissed Kiba, and Kiba kissed Hinata who was now blushing furiously.

"Alright Hinata. Spin the bottle!" said Oro happily. The Huuga heiress closed her eyes and spun.

"Hi-hinata." she opened her eyes to see it had landed on.

"Na-NARUTO!?!?!?" she fell back in a dead faint. Ino looked up at the ceiling, slightly embarrassed and lightly slapped her face trying to revive her. Just them Kisame spoke up.

"Has anyone seen Deidara?"

"He came? I haven't seen-"

"Kiiisaaameeee!!!!" Deidara came running from the bedroom naked and crying clutching his groin, which was gushing blood. Kisame and everyone backed away. Sasuke and Naruto covered a squirming Arashi's eyes.

"It came off AGAIN, yeah! kisame! We need to file my teeth, and put it back on, yeah!" Hinata came to and sat up shaking her head.

"W-What happened?"

Kisame sighed, wondering "why him?"

"Let me see now bad it is…" Diedara held out his hand shaking his severed penis at him…right in Hinata's face.

"Swooon!" she squeaked and passed out again.

Deidara yelped out with a beet red blush taking his penis in the other hand by the fingers and proceeded to yell at the hand that held it before.

"Blow job's done bakamono _hand_! So stop _licking_ it!" nearly everyone turned green.

"Sorry guys we…gotta go." The shark demon growled. "See you later Brin. Kari." he snickered. "_KOI_." and he left. Kari shook her head.

"Kakashi…how bout you give it a spin."

"But it was _my_ turn!" whined Naruto, juvenilely.

"Hinata's out. You can have your turn after you two kiss." Kakashi leaned forward and spun the bottle it spun and spun and spun until it slowly came to a stop. All eyes turned to one direction.  
Itachi yawned and smiled.

"So who is it Kaka…shi…"he noticed the stares. "Shit! Oh, _hell_ no!" he turned to Kari.

"Kari don't make me do this!"

"Well THANKS Tachi." Teased Kakashi, "I'm only your _husband_, after all"

"HALF husband." Retaliated the weasel, "We're bound by our marriage to _Kari_."

"Look I don't want to any more than you, but"

"No buts! I'm not-"

"SHUT UP AND KISS!" screamed all the girls in the room. The two looked at the crowd of hungry eyes, practically begging them to make out, daring them to try and get out of it. and much to their horror, some of the guys looked pretty eager too. The two turned to Kari who, unfortunately for them, looked business like, nose in the air.

"If you please…" she waved at them to get a move on.

Kakashi and Itachi, who were consequently sitting next to each other, turned to face the other. Both were blushing furiously, not wanting to, but not wanting to find out the consequences of not doing it. at long last, it was Kakashi that finally pressed his lips against Itachi's.

The raven's face turned even redder than before as he was suddenly reminded of the time he'd jacked Kakashi off one night when they were drun- oh my god was that his tongue!? Itachi's mouth opened in surprise and Kakashi let himself in. He cringed inside as he felt Kakashi's tongue search him from the inside out, sliding against his and expertly caressing his pallette. What the fuck was he _doing_?! He felt the eyes of everyone in the room watching in a stated of shock. Itachi suddenly realized what was happening.

'_You're_ making him do this!' Itachi accused at the woman whos famous keki genkai was indirect mind influence.

'He doesn't know that.' an evil voice trilled in his mind. 'Now kiss back or I'll make you go farther than that!' she sent an evil smirk at him. Grumbling internally, he joined into the kiss, letting his tongue into Kakashi's mouth battling him for the dominance he didn't wan-…._fuuuuck_ he tasted _good_! He never would have pegged Kakashi to be so- No! Shit this was _Ka-ka-shi_! But…god _damn_, he was a good kiss. Unconsciously, he lifted a hand to Kakashi's neck to pull him deeper, wanting that taste, wanting the feel of that tongue over more than just his own. Shuddering softly, he let his mind wander to where else it would feel so good.

Kakashi smiled into the kiss and allowed Itachi deeper access. His fingers trailed up Itachi's shirt feeling up his soft, nearly flat stomach. He felt his partner groan sending a ripple of desire right above his groin. Fuck! Now he knew why Kari never took her hands off him.

"Kashi…" whispered Itachi onto his lips as they pulled each other closer, moaning louder than ever and completely lost every thought but each other. Neither noticed how they had tipped over; Itachi under the other, wrapping his legs around the hips that rubbed discreetly against his.

"Fuck guys! Get a room!" Itachi and Kakashi stopped abruptly and looked around, at the crowd that appeared as if they had been watching heavy porn. Naruto in particular was; quite literally, panting in anticipation. Sasuke looked indifferent but a slight blush adorned his cheeks. Come to think of it…wait! Where was the kid? Kakashi couldn't see him.

"Wheres Arashi?" he asked. Itachi tapped his shoulder and pointed down, looking painfully embarrassed. There was Arashi clutching Itachi's ankle and squeaking over and over as he-

"'Rashi! Stop _humping_ Uncle Itachi's _leg_!" Sasuke picked up the horny tween fox who pouted, his little legs wriggling in mid air, and set him on his lap. Orochimaru smirked at Itachi who looked back at him, and suddenly _knew_. He sent Kakashi and kari, a glare that could have massacred the whole of japan.

"Did you _plan_ this?!" Kari smiled deviously.

"Maaaaybe." Itachi pouted a very un-Itachi like pout. "Oh come on! You're husbands! I'm not the only one you could be fooling around with!"

"_REEEALY_ BAD EGGS!" exclaimed a drunken voice. Everyone turned to see Jack Sparrow, sprawled across Tsunade's sleeping form, singing in his slumber. Shino was the only one who chuckled.

"Who wants to draw on his _face_?" the entire party looked at him in disbelief.

"Did shino actually say something that had nothing to do with bugs?" Kiba stared.

"I _do_ have a life, you know. I just keep it private."

Just then kari felt someone tapping her hand. She looked over and saw Jason...though something seemed off.

"Er…hi Jason! Um..what are you doing in my dream?" Jason laughed gaily.

"I'm the writer!" he grinned. "duh."

"Eh?" Kari looked at him in disbelief. "Writer?"

"Yeah! I control your life! I pair you up with the most chaotic pairings and make them fuck you senseless until you get knocked up! Can't wait until Kakashi finds out that you had an affair last year with his Dad's ghost.

"WHAT?!?!" exclaimed Kakashi, his neck snapping over to his wife.

* * *

_Extra-_**Naruto's Preggy Problem**

"Sasuke?" Naruto walked into his room, but his lover was nowhere to be found.

"Sasuke are you in he-"

"In here you _bastard_!!" Naruto was taken aback. What did he do? He went over to the bathroom to find Sasuke looking miserable, hunched over the toilet.

"Sasuke! Are you okay? Do you have the flu or somet-"

"NO I DON'T HAVE THE FLU YOU PRICK! GET ME SOME FUCKING PEPTO BISMOL BEFORE I DROP KICK YOUR ASS!" Naruto frantically turned around and tripped over the floor mat.

"GET UP AND GET THE FUCKING PINK SHIT!" screamed Sasuke. But Naruto wasn't paying attention. His eyes were glued to the blue spot on the pregnancy strip lying on the floor.

"No! It's not possible!" he turned to see Sasuke glaring at him.

"Yeah! It is! _YOU_ did this to me Naruto!!!" he pointed accusingly before he blew chunks into the toilet again, moaning pitifully. As soon a he caught his breath he went back to glaring at Naruto.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _WAITING FOR_!?" he shrieked. "GET ME SOME FUCKING _PEPTO_!" naruto watched his poor lover and contemplated the situation. If he remembered correctly, pregnant people were hard to please.

"Is there anything else you want, love?" he asked as calmly as he could. Naruto decided it would be smart to ask what else he needed, so he didn't have to make a billion trips. But oh, how _wrong_ he was.

"Oh! Um…some oatmeal cookies would be nice." Sasuke said, his mood drastically changed. "Ooooh! And I smelled some calamari on the stove last night! See if there are any leftovers. Oh yeah! And some pie! And not that fruity crap either! Real pie! With chicken and beef and chiiiickeeeeen …and chiiikeeeen. Oh! And a pina colada! I've always wanted one of those! And can you put a little umbrella in it? And a watermelon …without those seeds. And I want some Naruto cakes! Anchovy flavored! Make sure there's Worchester sauce on them too. Put them on some ramen, and maybe a bottle of Tsunades sake. Make sure you tell her it's for the boyfriend you _knocked up_." He added, accusingly. "She might not mind so much."  
Naruto sighed and turned to leave.  
"DON'T LEAVE ASS HOLE! I'M NOT _FINNISHED_! I want some…."

* * *

lolz the end! review! XDDDD


End file.
